Piece of my Heart.

One of my favorite things about life is growth.
Growth is never ending....(except when we die of course) as humans we're constantly learning, gaining wisdom, and attempting to figure out our reason for existence. Why the hell God put us on this earth. Sure I go to school with hundreds of people who apparently came out of the womb knowing that they wanted to do mission work, or become a pastor, or a teacher.... but not me. Oh boy, not me. I've never been the kid who KNEW 100% what I was doing, but I learned to fake it real well.

I remember my kindergarten graduation vividly, when we got on the stage the teacher asked every one of us what we wanted to be when we grow up and I remember thinking in my little brain, holy shit...I have no clue, I think I'll make something up to look cool. So, in front of all of my family and fellow 5 year olds, I stood up straight and said, "I want to be a police officer."
Oh little Lauren, always trying to act tough.

I was asked the same thing when I went into junior high, and I think I said.... "I want to be a veteranarian, I love animals and I want to help them." And then I realized, too much studying.... I don't DO studying. I remember graduating high school and the same question came up in convo quite often actually... and while everyone knew what they were going to do in college, I was the girl that had the "undecided" major. So then people would ask...."well then what brought you all the way to Mary Hardin Baylor?" Honestly, I had no clue. I would tell people, "Well I like the trees there, and the squirrels are cute, and the people are nice, and I have family close by, so that's why." At one point I thought I knew why I was here, and then I decided to take over the reins and lead my own life. But really and truly, God is the only one who can plan my/our future. Not ME. He knows why he put me on this earth, and he has slowly been revealing these reasons to me. I just needed to let him take over and to trust him in order for me to see it all so clear.

In case you don't know me well enough, here's a fact about me: I have this problem with being extremely impatient. I hate waiting on people to get their shit together (which is why I made a terrible waitress) I hate waiting on other drivers on the road (which is why I have terrible road rage) and I hate when people just beat around the bush when talking about things.....just get to the dang point already! Unfortunately I have learned...the hard way of course.... that impatience doesn't really bide well with God. But boy did I try SO hard to ooze every ounce of "knowing" out of God throughout the last 4 years. I couldn't stand sitting around NOT knowing what was in store for my life. Not knowing who I should date, when I was gunna get married and have babies, not knowing what my major was going to be, and most recently: not knowing what my career is going to take me and where the Army is going to take my husband and I next... I just want to KNOW all of these things... NOW.

Story time: This all kinda reminds me of how my husband will tell me that he has a surprise for me, and it always pisses me off when he does that and he knows it! Why can't you just have a surprise and keep it a surprise?? Cause if you tell me there's a surprise then all I can think about is how I DON'T KNOW what it is, and I make it my mission in life to figure out what in the world it is! And it drives me NUTS. And eventually I just ruin it for myself, cause I get angry...and then I usually will argue with Brandon about how "secrets don't make friends." Personally I think he gets the biggest kick out of it. Take what you will from that analogy.


But anyways, so here I am. A senior in college. I'm graduating in 7 months with my Bachelors degree in Fine Arts. So much for law enforcement and vet school, eh? Hahah.
It was quite the journey getting to this point, I'll tell you that much. Lot's of doubting myself, doubting my decision to become an art major, and lot's of doubting God really. I came to college not knowing who I was gunna be and it took years and this roller-coaster of life changing events for me to actually be able to answer the question "Why did you come all the way to UMHB?"

Well I came here initially because I trusted God had it all under control...Which led me to meet my husband, who led me to become an artist, which led me to search my inner being and my heart.... which led me to figure out what I want out of this life...and what led me to where and who I am today.

They always say that hindsight is 20/20...and it's so true. Everything always seems SO CLEAR after the fact.Why is that? Well....we're human. That's why. When we grow we learn. And when learn how to do something, or if you're like me- how NOT to do something, then typically we don't go back to how we used to do things. Am I right?

Example: I used to try and paint on a HUGE canvas without drafting my initial drawing first, and my paintings always sucked and took TWICE as long to finish. So now I draft first, paint later.... and the more time I put into the drafting the less time I have to waste trying to figure out with the paintbrush how to get the angle of a nose or find the color to reflect light off of a face.

Just like, the less time we spend trusting God, the more time is wasted worrying, panicking, doubting, crying, and stressing. I've tried hard recently to stop worrying, and to just go with the flow..... and I have actually been quite pleased with the outcome. I am more productive, successful, level headed and organized. I don't need to know it all. Because what's the fun in that? I'm having fun right now, and that's all that matters.

If there's anything you take with you from this blog post it should be this:
No relationship can prosper without trust.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship.

I trust God, I trust my Husband, I trust myself.
and I trust that between all three of us, this life can only get better.

-LC

The Root of Expectations

I don't know about you but one of my greatest struggles in life is the strong desire to please others. Ever since I was a kid, I have focused on people around me and what makes them happy and what makes them feel comfortable: and through the years I have manipulated myself/my personality to mold to every type of person and situation. Why? To make them feel comfortable, to make them laugh, and make them happy.... I would much rather put my popularity or my social status on the line to make someone else feel comfortable....or to make them laugh. People Pleaser, that's my middle name.


The chapter that I'm reading in my book right now is called "What Do I want." And the subchapter that really hit home with me is called "The Root of Expectations." I wanted to share with you some of the things the author wrote that really spoke to me, and hopefully they will speak to you as well.

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We create pictures of what we do or do not want, and various people reinforce those pictures. The annoying thing is that there is no crystal ball that can reveal what we really want and what is best for us. Discovering what we want is something we have to do by ourselves, despite the influence of others.
We are conditioned to believe that our twenties is the time to work toward achieving the American Dream. But what is that dream nowadays?

Insert Lauren:
Really though....the American Dream... what a crock of shit. Honestly... America has this beautifully painted picture that we are supposed to grow up, be well educated-graduate from college, have a great career, meet that significant other, fall in love, get married have babies..and live happily ever after, am i right? And bygolly don't get me started on the expectations and the "American Dream" that belongs to the Private Christian college cohort... Ring by spring..really people? What is the freaking rush? From my experience (roughly 7 months) marriage is hard as hell... and it is NOT as glorious as the world makes it out to be. Granted there are the incredibly good moments, but no one ever mentioned there would be bad ones. I don't regret anything in my life. But I will give a little shout out to those younger than me. GROW UP FIRST. You may be able to smoke cigarettes at 18 and drink a ton of alcohol at the ripe age of 21 but that does not make you ready to be an adult... and if you're not ready or prepared to be an adult, then don't...please don't try to be just because that is what's "expected" of you.


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Does fulfilling expectations put us at risk of never discovering what we want, of never setting goals based on what we actually desire for ourselves? Or are we busy designing our lives around others' expectations that we may never take the time to discover what we truly want?


Lacking the life experience or mental maturity to discern what is true for us, we tend to adopt beliefs based on what we see, hear or are told.
So write down and think of several things that YOU believe. Here are a few of mine.


1. I believe in God.

2. I believe that I need a successful career and a family in order to be happy.

3. I believe that the only way to make my parents proud is to graduate from college.

4. I believe that I am responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of others.

5. I believe that when I mess up, everyone sees it and judges me.

6. I believe that life is intended to be a cake walk, a piece of cake, and as easy as pie. And that if something goes awry then it is a true sign that I am not on track...


Once our beliefs are in place, we construct ideas of who we SHOULD be and the ways we SHOULD act. Since we believe that we should achieve certain things in order to become certain sorts of people, our lives often are fueled by expectations that stem from our belief systems. Beginning in childhood, we take in endless information about the way we should be, pictures of how life should look, and ideas about what we should want.

A great deal of confusion arises when we try to differentiate among parental ideals, relationship ideals, societal ideals, and personal ideals. A lot of us, no matter how smart and educated we might be, are not even aware of the difference between our own ideals and those of others. This is why uncovering our hidden belief systems is integral to our growth. The sooner we're able to uncover them, the sooner we will be able to create success on our own terms, not someone elses.

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Whew. Reality check eh? It was for me....and this isn't even all she has to say. But I will end here. Hope you enjoyed.

20 Something, 20 Everything.

Yep. I'm back. After a year of putting off blogging/journaling....I am back.
Waste no time....
I just bought a book at B&N recently titled 20 Something, 20 Everything....

"How the hell did you come across this book?" I know that's what you're thinking right now...Well. I strongly believe that for the last few months my heart has been searching for something.... an unknown variable, per se. I wanted to find that something to restore my hearts' wholeness. But how do I fill that void when I have no idea what my heart is searching FOR...
or what my heart has been missing?

That's when I slowly realized... my heart is searching for answers. ANSWERS. Nothing in particular. Just answers. Answers to all of lifes questions. I had no one to talk to about this odd yearning, because if I searched for answers from the type of people I'm surrounded by.....I would instantly have people shoving me into church, force feeding me scripture, and attacking me with tacky phrases like...(In my best Joel Osteen Voice) "You just need Jesus.....he is the only thing that can fill your void."

Well sure....fine. That's such an easy answer. Any time you'd LOVE to give me a "how to fill that void with Jesus, PLAYBOOK"....that would be great. So yeah, I haven't been "on top" of my relationship with Christ, but quite frankly, the reason I stopped....is because I wasn't finding answers.

Hence when this amazing book comes into play. Ah.... it's so refreshing. Not only does it make me think about who I am and where I stand in life right now, but it makes me reflect on those life experiences that have led me to where I am today. So far I have broken down my childhood and acknowledged the things that have positively and negatively affected me. Already I am asking myself questions like:

Who am I?

What do I want?

and, How do I get what I want?

They seem like easy questions, but I challenge you to actually answer them. And to be honest with yourself.

Moral of my story thus far: You can't find answers through others. The way you find answers is throught the rigorous process of seeking within yourself. Digging deep, and figuring out WHO you ARE. What you WANT. And how you're going to get it. I can tell you right now... it hasn't been easy. And it won't be.

Nothing in this world that is worth having, comes easy... right?

Flashback: Summer 2009

In case you didn't know this already, this last summer I worked at a camp for kids with chronic illnesses and disabilities. It was one of the most incredible experiences in my entire 20 years of living. I kept a blog throughout the entire summer, and if you ever get the chance to start from square one and read about each of my experiences, DO IT... it will rock your world.

http://www.lauren-nicolle.blogspot.com/ is the link, holla!

But anyways, this is the point i'm attempting to get to. Forgive me for being so wordy. Haha. I was reading the blog, randomly because I started thinking about all the kids I worked with last summer. I see their little faces plastered on the walls of my bedroom everyday, and I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have met them. Anyways, I came across a blog entry that I thought would be worth posting a second time, for my new readers.

I hope y'all enjoy it. Questions are welcome, and will be followed with answers. :)

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Camp Teen Challenge- June 9, 2009

Today was the second day of Camp Teen Challenge, working with teens with different visual impairments. Yesterday, I was able to feel everything out, and know where I stand as far as; what questions can I ask the kids, what can I say around them, etc… And today, I feel like, was more-so a day for me to get more personal with them. So I started with a simple and easy question, “So what exactly CAN you see?”And it was absolutely incredible the various responses I got from the kids.

Dominique was born premature and has always been blind. Although he cracks jokes about Jackie resembling a chimpmunk, he never actually has seen a chipmunk. So I asked him, “So if you have never been able to see a chipmunk, how do you know what it looks like?” And he simply told me, well- “When people describe it to me, or if I can feel it, I’m able to paint my own picture in my mind of what a chipmunk might look like.” Incredible, right?
Noah and Titus on the other hand, brothers, are slowly going blind, I think they are 8 and 13 or something. And it was absolutely heart wrenching to hear their answer when I asked them the same question. “The doctors say that I will eventually go blind.” Wow. Two very polar opposites, going from- never having seen in your life, to-being able to see the things God created, but having that ability taken away. Oh my goodness.

I also worked at different stations today with the kids, I was really pumped up when I signed myself to help at the woodworking station. Cause we all know me, right? Hah. Well yeah, I met Pete and his wife, a very sweet and wise older couple teaching the woodworking stuff. Anyways, he got to talking to the kids, and then all of a sudden he starts telling his testimony. And he starts it off by saying, “Hey guys, I’m Pete, and I’m blind just like you.” What the heck? This guy was just carrying a conversation with me 5 minutes ago, and he was also using power tools, and I had NO idea he was blind. He goes on to tell the kids, “Look guys, there’s one path you can take in life, but at one point that path will fork, and you will have to make a decision, either you can sit around and do nothing with your life, or get up and try your hardest and succeed in everything you do. And I am not ashamed to talk about my faith; it’s because of my heavenly father that I am able to do the things I love in my life, even with a disability.” Welp, there’s when I lost it. I just started crying. I'm such a basketcase 24/7.

This is Pete working with one of the kids.

Seriously, I wish that I would just be able to stand up in the middle of a room, open wounded, and just talk about my God. But no, I’m terrified. Terrified of people judging me, calling me the goody two shoes church girl, treating me differently, or worrying that I might offend someone. I just really need to grow a set of balls, and lay my faith right on my sleeve. But man, it’s easier said than done…
All this to say: I had a friggin rough day. Haha. Emotionally I am a wreck, mentally I am not all there, and Physically- don’t even get me started. I work 14 hour days. Kitchen duty for me in the morning. It’s now 12 am, and I must be up at 6am. No need for sympathy, it’s not necessary. Because I LOVE my job. I love it. As hard as it is. I wouldn’t want to do anything else with my summer.

I thank my God for eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to receive all the beautiful things this life has to offer me.

Peace.

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Ahhh... it's so crazy to reflect on these life experiences. But I'm so proud of myself for making sure that I jotted them down. Seriously journal PEOPLE. Journal, Blog, write on little napkin squares, take pictures, and then scrapbook them, anything to help you remember these beautiful pieces to the puzzle called life.

Cause if you don't, you forget the most important things- for instance this smile, that has forever left a mark in my heart.

Love You Guys.

Dirty Little Cigarette.

Most of you have seen my drawing of the early Gary Cooper. I did it for my level 1 drawing class final project last semester. If not- here it is.

Ever since drawing the hansome Gary Cooper, I've had this huge fascination with cigarettes. Don't get me wrong. I hate the dern things.

Hate the way they smell.

Hate the way I smelled them on my Grandpa and Great Grandpa before they passed.

And HATE how they control a person's life.

Most importantly, I hate how they control the lives of those closest to me, my family.

But if there's one thing I love about the things, it's how intriguing they are. They really are. When you were a kid, didn't you always gaze at the smoke clouds that drifted out of some ones mouth after taking a long pull from a cigarette? Not only that, but in pictures. I'm not going to lie, they look pretty bad ass. I'm kind of scaring myself with my fascination with these tiny little rolled, tobacco filled, lung cancer carriers. But no need to worry, my hate's outweigh my fantasies.



I guess what got me started on all this was the fact that I'm working on a second drawing, and the girl just so happens to be smoking a cigarette. Coincidence? Not really I don't think. Until I really did THINK about it... Cigarettes make for some really neat art. Let me show you.






Here's my girl, she is an unknown girl... so I named her Jenny. Namely because we're not quite sure if that's a cig or a joint. But in Forrest Gump, Jenny was quite the experimenter. So it suited her. Photographer- Christian Bazant




Interesting eh?. Here are some others that I have casually come across, thanks to http://www.flickr.com/

Sure they, look intriguing and such. But man let's go a little deeper here. With some stats. :)

• Every eight seconds, a human life is lost to tobacco use somewhere in the world. That translates to approximately 5 million deaths annually.


• Ambergris, otherwise known as whale vomit is one of the hundreds of possible additives used in manufactured cigarettes. (Yum, I wanna inhale whale vomit)


• Hydrogen cyanide, one of the toxic byproducts present in cigarette smoke, was used as a genocidal chemical agent during World War II. (hmmm funny how smokers are voluntarily putting the exact same chemicals into their bodies that were to blame for the deaths of many WWII Vets.)


• Secondhand smoke contains more than 50 cancer-causing chemical compounds, 11 of which are known to be Group 1 carcinogens.

Wanna know more? Check out this link. http://quitsmoking.about.com/od/tobaccostatistics/a/tobaccofacts.htm

Well that's all for me.

I'm gunna go get high on some life.

Rusty Blogger, Here..

So it's been awhile. I really need to stop using that as my introductory line, it's pretty lame. But always feel as if I need to preface my blog entries by telling you guys, well... I'm out of blogging shape. So bear with me, I've had a lot on my heart lately and it might all come out like, uh, blog vomit. 

It's spring break here in the lovely life of Lauren, and I've been in Houston with the lovely Adam family. I have had a stinking blast, relaxing pool-side in the sun everyday, attending the Houston rodeo, Houston Rockets game, Houston malls, and an insane concert by the handsome mister Keith Urban. (pictures to come soon, I swear.) Not to mention bareeelyy hanging in there with week number 2 of not talking to Brandon. One more week to go, ladies and gents.

During this spring break I've really gotten to catch up on some long needed reading time. And man oh man has it been great. I just finished "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. And I'm inspired as any one can be in one dosage. I recommend this read to EVERY ONE. It's incredible, and you might catch me occasionally pulling some interesting excerpts from the book. You know, just to share. 

Anyways, here are some other books that I picked up from Lifeway this week. The lovely Brittany Williams (Brandon's sister)  recommended two of them to me, and I'm really really pumped about diving into them. I feel like a total bookworm right now but whatever. 

Dr. Seuss once said, "The more that you read the more you will know, the more that you learn, the more places you'll go."

Way to go Dr. Seuss. Check out my reads:

• "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller
  
• "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. 
  
•  "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado 
  

"A Love Worth Giving" was given to me out of love by my little friend Lindsay Adam. :) As I come across some beautiful things out of these bad boys, I promise you I will share them with you. 

   

I've promised myself this week that I'm going to be better about blogging. Not neccessarily for my readers, if I even have any, haha... but for myself. It really is a good thing to share what's on my heart because sometimes if you don't share these life experiences it's so very easy to just forget about them, and no one wants to live their life in a constant state of forgetfulness. Trust me, forgetting is what I'm known for best. So here I go, turning over a new leaf. I'd love for you to accompany me on this lovely journey. Thanks for reading. 

 

Dudes.

I am the WORST at blogging. I always say that, but only because it's true.

Anyways, just started the Spring semester of my Sophomore year, HOLLA!

And let me tell you, it is going great!

I am now taking ONLY classes in my major, which so happens to finally be decided. :)

Drum roll please.....

Bachelor of Fine Arts with Visual Communications Emphasis.

Say that 3 times fast.

I'm so happy, you can just go ahead and call me a clam. Wow. Lame joke.

No but seriously, and I keep telling my family this, it's the most incredible feeling, waking up in the mornings and actually being excited to go to class. What a weird-o, right?

I'm taking mainly computer classes this semester, Digital Art I: Adobe Illustrator, Digital Art II: Adobe Photoshop, Fundamentals of Comp Science, Art History, and Painting I. Loving it.

But anywho, that's the update from me for now...

Love y'all.