Piece of my Heart.

One of my favorite things about life is growth.
Growth is never ending....(except when we die of course) as humans we're constantly learning, gaining wisdom, and attempting to figure out our reason for existence. Why the hell God put us on this earth. Sure I go to school with hundreds of people who apparently came out of the womb knowing that they wanted to do mission work, or become a pastor, or a teacher.... but not me. Oh boy, not me. I've never been the kid who KNEW 100% what I was doing, but I learned to fake it real well.

I remember my kindergarten graduation vividly, when we got on the stage the teacher asked every one of us what we wanted to be when we grow up and I remember thinking in my little brain, holy shit...I have no clue, I think I'll make something up to look cool. So, in front of all of my family and fellow 5 year olds, I stood up straight and said, "I want to be a police officer."
Oh little Lauren, always trying to act tough.

I was asked the same thing when I went into junior high, and I think I said.... "I want to be a veteranarian, I love animals and I want to help them." And then I realized, too much studying.... I don't DO studying. I remember graduating high school and the same question came up in convo quite often actually... and while everyone knew what they were going to do in college, I was the girl that had the "undecided" major. So then people would ask...."well then what brought you all the way to Mary Hardin Baylor?" Honestly, I had no clue. I would tell people, "Well I like the trees there, and the squirrels are cute, and the people are nice, and I have family close by, so that's why." At one point I thought I knew why I was here, and then I decided to take over the reins and lead my own life. But really and truly, God is the only one who can plan my/our future. Not ME. He knows why he put me on this earth, and he has slowly been revealing these reasons to me. I just needed to let him take over and to trust him in order for me to see it all so clear.

In case you don't know me well enough, here's a fact about me: I have this problem with being extremely impatient. I hate waiting on people to get their shit together (which is why I made a terrible waitress) I hate waiting on other drivers on the road (which is why I have terrible road rage) and I hate when people just beat around the bush when talking about things.....just get to the dang point already! Unfortunately I have learned...the hard way of course.... that impatience doesn't really bide well with God. But boy did I try SO hard to ooze every ounce of "knowing" out of God throughout the last 4 years. I couldn't stand sitting around NOT knowing what was in store for my life. Not knowing who I should date, when I was gunna get married and have babies, not knowing what my major was going to be, and most recently: not knowing what my career is going to take me and where the Army is going to take my husband and I next... I just want to KNOW all of these things... NOW.

Story time: This all kinda reminds me of how my husband will tell me that he has a surprise for me, and it always pisses me off when he does that and he knows it! Why can't you just have a surprise and keep it a surprise?? Cause if you tell me there's a surprise then all I can think about is how I DON'T KNOW what it is, and I make it my mission in life to figure out what in the world it is! And it drives me NUTS. And eventually I just ruin it for myself, cause I get angry...and then I usually will argue with Brandon about how "secrets don't make friends." Personally I think he gets the biggest kick out of it. Take what you will from that analogy.


But anyways, so here I am. A senior in college. I'm graduating in 7 months with my Bachelors degree in Fine Arts. So much for law enforcement and vet school, eh? Hahah.
It was quite the journey getting to this point, I'll tell you that much. Lot's of doubting myself, doubting my decision to become an art major, and lot's of doubting God really. I came to college not knowing who I was gunna be and it took years and this roller-coaster of life changing events for me to actually be able to answer the question "Why did you come all the way to UMHB?"

Well I came here initially because I trusted God had it all under control...Which led me to meet my husband, who led me to become an artist, which led me to search my inner being and my heart.... which led me to figure out what I want out of this life...and what led me to where and who I am today.

They always say that hindsight is 20/20...and it's so true. Everything always seems SO CLEAR after the fact.Why is that? Well....we're human. That's why. When we grow we learn. And when learn how to do something, or if you're like me- how NOT to do something, then typically we don't go back to how we used to do things. Am I right?

Example: I used to try and paint on a HUGE canvas without drafting my initial drawing first, and my paintings always sucked and took TWICE as long to finish. So now I draft first, paint later.... and the more time I put into the drafting the less time I have to waste trying to figure out with the paintbrush how to get the angle of a nose or find the color to reflect light off of a face.

Just like, the less time we spend trusting God, the more time is wasted worrying, panicking, doubting, crying, and stressing. I've tried hard recently to stop worrying, and to just go with the flow..... and I have actually been quite pleased with the outcome. I am more productive, successful, level headed and organized. I don't need to know it all. Because what's the fun in that? I'm having fun right now, and that's all that matters.

If there's anything you take with you from this blog post it should be this:
No relationship can prosper without trust.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship.

I trust God, I trust my Husband, I trust myself.
and I trust that between all three of us, this life can only get better.

-LC

The Root of Expectations

I don't know about you but one of my greatest struggles in life is the strong desire to please others. Ever since I was a kid, I have focused on people around me and what makes them happy and what makes them feel comfortable: and through the years I have manipulated myself/my personality to mold to every type of person and situation. Why? To make them feel comfortable, to make them laugh, and make them happy.... I would much rather put my popularity or my social status on the line to make someone else feel comfortable....or to make them laugh. People Pleaser, that's my middle name.


The chapter that I'm reading in my book right now is called "What Do I want." And the subchapter that really hit home with me is called "The Root of Expectations." I wanted to share with you some of the things the author wrote that really spoke to me, and hopefully they will speak to you as well.

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We create pictures of what we do or do not want, and various people reinforce those pictures. The annoying thing is that there is no crystal ball that can reveal what we really want and what is best for us. Discovering what we want is something we have to do by ourselves, despite the influence of others.
We are conditioned to believe that our twenties is the time to work toward achieving the American Dream. But what is that dream nowadays?

Insert Lauren:
Really though....the American Dream... what a crock of shit. Honestly... America has this beautifully painted picture that we are supposed to grow up, be well educated-graduate from college, have a great career, meet that significant other, fall in love, get married have babies..and live happily ever after, am i right? And bygolly don't get me started on the expectations and the "American Dream" that belongs to the Private Christian college cohort... Ring by spring..really people? What is the freaking rush? From my experience (roughly 7 months) marriage is hard as hell... and it is NOT as glorious as the world makes it out to be. Granted there are the incredibly good moments, but no one ever mentioned there would be bad ones. I don't regret anything in my life. But I will give a little shout out to those younger than me. GROW UP FIRST. You may be able to smoke cigarettes at 18 and drink a ton of alcohol at the ripe age of 21 but that does not make you ready to be an adult... and if you're not ready or prepared to be an adult, then don't...please don't try to be just because that is what's "expected" of you.


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Does fulfilling expectations put us at risk of never discovering what we want, of never setting goals based on what we actually desire for ourselves? Or are we busy designing our lives around others' expectations that we may never take the time to discover what we truly want?


Lacking the life experience or mental maturity to discern what is true for us, we tend to adopt beliefs based on what we see, hear or are told.
So write down and think of several things that YOU believe. Here are a few of mine.


1. I believe in God.

2. I believe that I need a successful career and a family in order to be happy.

3. I believe that the only way to make my parents proud is to graduate from college.

4. I believe that I am responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of others.

5. I believe that when I mess up, everyone sees it and judges me.

6. I believe that life is intended to be a cake walk, a piece of cake, and as easy as pie. And that if something goes awry then it is a true sign that I am not on track...


Once our beliefs are in place, we construct ideas of who we SHOULD be and the ways we SHOULD act. Since we believe that we should achieve certain things in order to become certain sorts of people, our lives often are fueled by expectations that stem from our belief systems. Beginning in childhood, we take in endless information about the way we should be, pictures of how life should look, and ideas about what we should want.

A great deal of confusion arises when we try to differentiate among parental ideals, relationship ideals, societal ideals, and personal ideals. A lot of us, no matter how smart and educated we might be, are not even aware of the difference between our own ideals and those of others. This is why uncovering our hidden belief systems is integral to our growth. The sooner we're able to uncover them, the sooner we will be able to create success on our own terms, not someone elses.

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Whew. Reality check eh? It was for me....and this isn't even all she has to say. But I will end here. Hope you enjoyed.

20 Something, 20 Everything.

Yep. I'm back. After a year of putting off blogging/journaling....I am back.
Waste no time....
I just bought a book at B&N recently titled 20 Something, 20 Everything....

"How the hell did you come across this book?" I know that's what you're thinking right now...Well. I strongly believe that for the last few months my heart has been searching for something.... an unknown variable, per se. I wanted to find that something to restore my hearts' wholeness. But how do I fill that void when I have no idea what my heart is searching FOR...
or what my heart has been missing?

That's when I slowly realized... my heart is searching for answers. ANSWERS. Nothing in particular. Just answers. Answers to all of lifes questions. I had no one to talk to about this odd yearning, because if I searched for answers from the type of people I'm surrounded by.....I would instantly have people shoving me into church, force feeding me scripture, and attacking me with tacky phrases like...(In my best Joel Osteen Voice) "You just need Jesus.....he is the only thing that can fill your void."

Well sure....fine. That's such an easy answer. Any time you'd LOVE to give me a "how to fill that void with Jesus, PLAYBOOK"....that would be great. So yeah, I haven't been "on top" of my relationship with Christ, but quite frankly, the reason I stopped....is because I wasn't finding answers.

Hence when this amazing book comes into play. Ah.... it's so refreshing. Not only does it make me think about who I am and where I stand in life right now, but it makes me reflect on those life experiences that have led me to where I am today. So far I have broken down my childhood and acknowledged the things that have positively and negatively affected me. Already I am asking myself questions like:

Who am I?

What do I want?

and, How do I get what I want?

They seem like easy questions, but I challenge you to actually answer them. And to be honest with yourself.

Moral of my story thus far: You can't find answers through others. The way you find answers is throught the rigorous process of seeking within yourself. Digging deep, and figuring out WHO you ARE. What you WANT. And how you're going to get it. I can tell you right now... it hasn't been easy. And it won't be.

Nothing in this world that is worth having, comes easy... right?