I don't know about you but one of my greatest struggles in life is the strong desire to please others. Ever since I was a kid, I have focused on people around me and what makes them happy and what makes them feel comfortable: and through the years I have manipulated myself/my personality to mold to every type of person and situation. Why? To make them feel comfortable, to make them laugh, and make them happy.... I would much rather put my popularity or my social status on the line to make someone else feel comfortable....or to make them laugh. People Pleaser, that's my middle name.
The chapter that I'm reading in my book right now is called "What Do I want." And the subchapter that really hit home with me is called "The Root of Expectations." I wanted to share with you some of the things the author wrote that really spoke to me, and hopefully they will speak to you as well.
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We create pictures of what we do or do not want, and various people reinforce those pictures. The annoying thing is that there is no crystal ball that can reveal what we really want and what is best for us. Discovering what we want is something we have to do by ourselves, despite the influence of others.
We are conditioned to believe that our twenties is the time to work toward achieving the American Dream. But what is that dream nowadays?
Insert Lauren:
Really though....the American Dream... what a crock of shit. Honestly... America has this beautifully painted picture that we are supposed to grow up, be well educated-graduate from college, have a great career, meet that significant other, fall in love, get married have babies..and live happily ever after, am i right? And bygolly don't get me started on the expectations and the "American Dream" that belongs to the Private Christian college cohort... Ring by spring..really people? What is the freaking rush? From my experience (roughly 7 months) marriage is hard as hell... and it is NOT as glorious as the world makes it out to be. Granted there are the incredibly good moments, but no one ever mentioned there would be bad ones. I don't regret anything in my life. But I will give a little shout out to those younger than me. GROW UP FIRST. You may be able to smoke cigarettes at 18 and drink a ton of alcohol at the ripe age of 21 but that does not make you ready to be an adult... and if you're not ready or prepared to be an adult, then don't...please don't try to be just because that is what's "expected" of you.
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Does fulfilling expectations put us at risk of never discovering what we want, of never setting goals based on what we actually desire for ourselves? Or are we busy designing our lives around others' expectations that we may never take the time to discover what we truly want?
Lacking the life experience or mental maturity to discern what is true for us, we tend to adopt beliefs based on what we see, hear or are told.
So write down and think of several things that YOU believe. Here are a few of mine.
1. I believe in God.
2. I believe that I need a successful career and a family in order to be happy.
3. I believe that the only way to make my parents proud is to graduate from college.
4. I believe that I am responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of others.
5. I believe that when I mess up, everyone sees it and judges me.
6. I believe that life is intended to be a cake walk, a piece of cake, and as easy as pie. And that if something goes awry then it is a true sign that I am not on track...
Once our beliefs are in place, we construct ideas of who we SHOULD be and the ways we SHOULD act. Since we believe that we should achieve certain things in order to become certain sorts of people, our lives often are fueled by expectations that stem from our belief systems. Beginning in childhood, we take in endless information about the way we should be, pictures of how life should look, and ideas about what we should want.
A great deal of confusion arises when we try to differentiate among parental ideals, relationship ideals, societal ideals, and personal ideals. A lot of us, no matter how smart and educated we might be, are not even aware of the difference between our own ideals and those of others. This is why uncovering our hidden belief systems is integral to our growth. The sooner we're able to uncover them, the sooner we will be able to create success on our own terms, not someone elses.
__________________________________________________________
Whew. Reality check eh? It was for me....and this isn't even all she has to say. But I will end here. Hope you enjoyed.
The chapter that I'm reading in my book right now is called "What Do I want." And the subchapter that really hit home with me is called "The Root of Expectations." I wanted to share with you some of the things the author wrote that really spoke to me, and hopefully they will speak to you as well.
_____________________________________________________________
We create pictures of what we do or do not want, and various people reinforce those pictures. The annoying thing is that there is no crystal ball that can reveal what we really want and what is best for us. Discovering what we want is something we have to do by ourselves, despite the influence of others.
We are conditioned to believe that our twenties is the time to work toward achieving the American Dream. But what is that dream nowadays?
Insert Lauren:
Really though....the American Dream... what a crock of shit. Honestly... America has this beautifully painted picture that we are supposed to grow up, be well educated-graduate from college, have a great career, meet that significant other, fall in love, get married have babies..and live happily ever after, am i right? And bygolly don't get me started on the expectations and the "American Dream" that belongs to the Private Christian college cohort... Ring by spring..really people? What is the freaking rush? From my experience (roughly 7 months) marriage is hard as hell... and it is NOT as glorious as the world makes it out to be. Granted there are the incredibly good moments, but no one ever mentioned there would be bad ones. I don't regret anything in my life. But I will give a little shout out to those younger than me. GROW UP FIRST. You may be able to smoke cigarettes at 18 and drink a ton of alcohol at the ripe age of 21 but that does not make you ready to be an adult... and if you're not ready or prepared to be an adult, then don't...please don't try to be just because that is what's "expected" of you.
__________________________________________________________________
Does fulfilling expectations put us at risk of never discovering what we want, of never setting goals based on what we actually desire for ourselves? Or are we busy designing our lives around others' expectations that we may never take the time to discover what we truly want?
Lacking the life experience or mental maturity to discern what is true for us, we tend to adopt beliefs based on what we see, hear or are told.
So write down and think of several things that YOU believe. Here are a few of mine.
1. I believe in God.
2. I believe that I need a successful career and a family in order to be happy.
3. I believe that the only way to make my parents proud is to graduate from college.
4. I believe that I am responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of others.
5. I believe that when I mess up, everyone sees it and judges me.
6. I believe that life is intended to be a cake walk, a piece of cake, and as easy as pie. And that if something goes awry then it is a true sign that I am not on track...
Once our beliefs are in place, we construct ideas of who we SHOULD be and the ways we SHOULD act. Since we believe that we should achieve certain things in order to become certain sorts of people, our lives often are fueled by expectations that stem from our belief systems. Beginning in childhood, we take in endless information about the way we should be, pictures of how life should look, and ideas about what we should want.
A great deal of confusion arises when we try to differentiate among parental ideals, relationship ideals, societal ideals, and personal ideals. A lot of us, no matter how smart and educated we might be, are not even aware of the difference between our own ideals and those of others. This is why uncovering our hidden belief systems is integral to our growth. The sooner we're able to uncover them, the sooner we will be able to create success on our own terms, not someone elses.
__________________________________________________________
Whew. Reality check eh? It was for me....and this isn't even all she has to say. But I will end here. Hope you enjoyed.
I can relate as the People Pleaser. I think as women we tend to be more nurture-minded anyways, which is good to care, but we so often sacrifice ourselves TOO much.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to do something for yourself. I mean, if one really cares about others, why not improve on your own self in order to be more effective in helping others? (Talking to myself here)
Good stuff Lauren,-and can I just say your honesty has always been extremely refreshing in an environment where so many people hide behind their religion and wear masks. I wish more people just realized we've all got our vices (especially Christians), why try so hard to hide it? We're all equal here. We need to stop judging each other.
Anyways, thanks for being you and sharing. See ya in less than a month! Maybe I'll find ya a squirrel ;)
1. I believe in the American dream because if I didn't then my life and my purpose of inspiring young kids is pointless and useless. I have hope in my future, yours and every other young adult's who is trying to find their dream and live it!
ReplyDelete2. I believe that you make ALL of your parents proud by so much that you do, everything that you are, and not only as a result of a single accomplishment even though it is a great one!I am proud of how you are soul searching and prodding for answers! Although it is a painful process, it's part of growing.
3. I believe that life is more like a bag of flaming hot Cheetos (you started the food analogy) than a pie or cake because it's bumpy, messy and sometimes stings but that doesn't mean you should put down the bag...or that you're off track, it just means you have to show the world what you're made of! Draw upon those inherited values, adopt new ones and learn a lesson, maybe even inspire judgmental people to take more risks! Attitude is everything!
4. I believe that for every judgmental person out there is a loving nurturing friend that will stand by you and cry with you and cheer you on regardless of your mistakes!
5. I believe that God is always in control of my circumstances regardless of how I feel when I'm living them. He always gives us choices but then he also directs my path. Making choices while taking others into consideration is a necessary part of any relationship but it takes years to find that balance of taking care of yourself and being loving to others. Some of us are still struggling with finding that balance!
Thanks for being brave enough to be transparent.
ADHD & ADD
ReplyDeleteADHD er en psykiatrisk diagnose gitt til personer som oppfyller et minimumskrav for kriterier relatert til kroniske forekomster av hyperaktivitet, impulsivitet og / eller vanskeligheter knyttet til organisering og oppmerksomhet.